The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in India."
Well, the boss liked the Indian chappie so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."
The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?"
Indian boy says: " $101 237. 64"
Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.
I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"
Indian boy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind." ... »
Insurance Sales Man
Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6,000." "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Sales Process
When a young salesman met his untimely end, he was informed that he had a choice about where he would spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards.
"I'll see Heaven first," said the salesman, and an angel led through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to a life of musical produce.
"Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal followers. For the next half hour, the salesman was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he'd ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having a, if you'll pardon the expression, Hell of a time.
When the tour ended, he was sent back up where the angel asked him if he had reached a final decision."Yes, I have," he replied. "As great as Heaven looks and all, I have to admit that Hell was more of my kind of place. I've decided to spend my eternity down there."
The salesman was sent to hell, where he was immediately thrown into a cave and was chained to a wall, and he was subjected to various tortures. "When I came down here for the tour," he yelled with anger and pain, "I was shown a whole bunch of bars and parties and other great stuff! What happened?!"
The devil replied, "Oh, that! That was just the Sales Demo."
Sales manager addressing an under performing sales force at the start of a new month:
"We are going to have a sales contest this month. The winners will get to enter next month's contest."
Sales Champs ???
4 Management Lessons
Lesson Number OneA crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said,
"I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson:You don't need brains to be Boss. any asshole will do!
Lesson Number Four
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lessons:
- Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
- Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
- When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%? Here's to achieving 103%!!
Do the math. It might prove helpful in the future!
- IF: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is substituted
- As: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
- Then; HARDWORK, becomes: 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
- KNOWLEDGE, becomes: 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only
- ATTITUDE, becomes: 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
- However, BULLSHIT, becomes: 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
Give it all you've got.
Bob's Annual review:
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob worksindependently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues.Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent
to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd lines.
Improving Your Attention During A Meeting
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x 5" is a good
size. Divide the card into columns, five across and five down. That will give you 25 one inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* take that off-line
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* pro-active
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mind-set
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage
and last but not least
* MOVING FORWARD......
3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"
Testimonials from satisfied "BullShit Bingo" players:
* "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." - Paul D.,
* "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." - David
* "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben
* "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours." - Kathlee... »
High Funda English : GRE student Vs Normal person
GRE STUDENT : Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would
be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.
A NORMAL PERSON : People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
GRE STUDENT : Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.
NORMAL PERSON : Twinkle, twinkle, little star
GRE STUDENT: All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly
auriferous.
NORMAL PERSON : All that glitters is not gold.
GRE STUDENT : Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
NORMAL PERSON : Beggars are not choosers
GRE STUDENT : Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.
NORMAL PERSON : Dead men tell no tales
GRE STUDENT : Neophyte's serendipity.
NORMAL PERSON : Beginner's luck
GRE STUDENT : A revolving litchi conglomerate accumulates no congeries of
small, green, biophytic plant.
NORMAL PERSON : A rolling stone gathers no moss
GRE STUDENT: Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to
congregate.
NORMAL PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together
GRE STUDENT : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
NORMAL PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep
GRE STUDENT : Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to
rectitude.
NORMAL PERSON : Cleanliness is godliness
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately
departed
lactile fluid.
NORMAL PERSON : There's no use crying over spilt milk
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
canine with innovative maneuvers.
NORMAL PERSON : You can't try to teach an old dog new tricks
GRE STUDENT : Surveillance should precede saltation.
NORMAL PERSON : Look before you leap
GRE STUDENT : The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses
thereby the optimal cachinnation.
NORMAL PERSON : He who laughs last, laughs best
GRE STUDENT : Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes
of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.
NORMAL PERSON : All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
GRE STUDENT : Where there are visible vapours having their provenance in
ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
NORMAL PERSON : Where there's smoke, there's fire! ...
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